Retail Therapy

Making a purchase these days feels like a one night stand gone wrong.

I think I'm out the door with the goods and suddenly they want my contact details.

Forget about feeling well spent and moving on.

They claim it's an innocent request but somehow I get this eerie feeling that giving over my personal information is going to come back and haunt me.

Recently, after purchasing my backpack, a customer sales representative sat behind his iMac and asked for my address and phone number. "It's just in case you have any problems with the purchase," he claimed.

I shot back, "So I guess the fact that you know where I live means you'll also know when and if I have a problem with my backpack."

Interesting logic.

When I protested he looked at me as if I was the Unabomber.

Paranoid.

"People who live in caves in the forest planning to overthrow the government don't buy $100 backpacks " I muttered. "They have hessian sacks."

After my meek protest I gave him my address and he proceeded to type my life into the system."It's just for our records," he spluttered.

Bullshit.

If we're talking records, I want to be on the B side.

It was time to play my famous 'data collection switcheroo.

"Before I buy this backpack, I'd just like to know, how long you've been working here and if you've slept with any of your co-workers? It's just for my records."

A few weeks later I started getting love letters in my mailbox.

Snappy catalogues, schlocky offers, VIP cards. The customer sales marketing machine was 'building a relationship' on shaky foundations.

It's over now.

I've had some time to heal but still, there are days when I'm even wary buying a redskin. Will 'they' want my address in case I have red bits stuck in my teeth for days afterwards? My shrink tells me not to worry about who 'they' are. I fired her and wrote a letter of my own.

Dear customer service representative of shonky backpack outlet,

This 'relationship' isn't working out for me. It's obvious to me that we want different things. If this was a casual arrangement perhaps we could negotiate but you're far too demanding. Don't contact me.
I need to move on.
x