The 101 on How to Incorporate Yourself

Can’t get away from anything these days? Forget therapy - it’s a very slow journey from rock bottom. Cut corners and create the new you today! Incorporate yourself.

Self Esteem Problems? Re-brand yourself.

Hire a PR company with a funky one-word name to re-brand you. The young marketing exec with asymmetrical hair will make you play word association as they create the 'new you'. Words like 'innovative', 'cutting edge', 'underground' and 'synergy' will be thrown around. Do not feel disheartened when they create a 'new you' that is almost the complete opposite of who you really are. After all, successful marketing is all about selling 'ideas' not products. This makes an outright lie not only completely acceptable but entirely logical. The fantastic thing about the re-branding concept is that you don’t need to change. It is up to the PR company to perpetuate this ‘idea’ of the ‘underground ‘ and ‘innovative’ new you’ whilst the ‘old you’ can adhere to your bad habits like smoking in your bedroom.

Problem Parents? Move them Offshore.

Your parents can no longer hassle you about your appearance if you move them offshore. Once they’re at least ten thousand kilometres from your current residence you can cease all contact with them apart from a token call once a year. This geographical distance will also allow you to avoid any bogus notion that you are responsible for your parents in their old age.

Dead-wood flatmate? Restructure and downsize your household.

An internal audit of household expenses can always come in handy when you’re trying to get rid of dead wood in the household. Use a bit of ‘creative corporate’ accounting with the phone bill and convince your flatmate that they have been underestimating their share of the phone bill for two years. As the leaseholder, it’s simply not going to work with them on your books. Use other flatmate in your method of systematic intimidation. Bombard the dead wood with bogus figures and paperwork about their refusal to admit that they have been ripping the company (your household) off. Simply explain that you want to restructure and downsize the household to make it more financially viable.

These handy hints will not only help you get away from anything, but get away with anything. The new incorporated you will make the shareholders (your friends) in the company (you) believe that you’re no longer at rock bottom. Thanks to your PR company, geographical logistics and some colourful accounting, you’ve not only dispensed with unprofitable relationships in your life, you now come across as a responsible, ethical, dynamic and creative human being – whilst deep down, beneath that corporate veneer you’ve worked so hard to attain, you actually remain your dysfunctional, emotionally stunted and uninspired self.